How many mothers of a 15-year old are pushing their daughter out the door, telling her to go out at night, go clubbing, get a boyfriend and don’t come home until after midnight? Probably not many. And probably what I wrote just horrified a few.
However, this was my case. Primarily, because I had a concern about my daughter’s well being that for me went beyond the fear of her going out to explore and experience the world and make the mistakes that we have all made in our teen years. I was concerned about what I saw as a deep depression. When she wasn’t immersed in her studies, my daughter was hovelled up in her room, with the shades drawn, watching episode after episode and season after season of different television series on her computer. She had headphones on, so the outside world was even more completely shut out. She would spend all day Saturday and sometimes Sunday seated in front of her computer in this position. She was closed up like this every afternoon and evening after school. No amount of cajoling or threats could budge her. She came out for meals and for the occasional task I would set her, just to get her moving, or if there was a family event with the rest of us that she couldn’t get out of. Sure, her father and I tried taking the computer away, or scheduling its use. We tried bribing her with after-school activities and outings. We danced a delicate dance of respecting her need for privacy and invading her room every so often to try to bring her out of herself.
This type of behavior can be referred to as “cocooning". No, this is not cocooning in the sense of the vaccination strategy for newborn children. The term was coined in the 1990s and defined the growing trend among individuals to stay indoors, in their homes, and create a safe haven around themselves, making use of the electronic devices at their disposal: computers, cellphones, video games. Although seen as a commercial trend, with the increasing tendency to work from and entertain oneself in the home, cocooning also has its dire side—the increasing retreat from society. In Japan, they’ve developed their own term to define this behavior: hikikomori. And the behavior has raised alarm among health officials. According to Wikipedia, hikikomori means literally "pulling inward, being confined", i.e., "acute social withdrawal". It refers to the phenomenon of reclusive adolescents or young adults who withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement. While in retrospect I do not think that my daughter’s behavior was as extreme as that described with regards to the Japanese youth, I certainly did see then that she was suffering from social isolation and insecurity; was overburdened by her schoolwork (within a school system that required primarily rote learning, contrary to and suppressing her own need for creative thinking and activities); and when not withdrawn was often irritable and uncommunicative. Maybe this is just another form that adolescent glumness can take? Sometimes that is what I told myself.
In general, her father and I made sure to be present, available, and often even annoying as we tried to tease her out of her state and make sure she engaged with us in conversation and in activities. I discovered that this was another test of my parental role—how much hovering and hounding can you and should you do? Just enough, I understood, so that your child feels your presence, concern and love, but not too much so that she retreats even further away. Having experienced her as a gregarious, talkative child, her withdrawal into her room was distressing and disconcerting. All I could do was be there, let her know that I was paying attention.
Now my daughter is about to embark on her new life as a college student. Those days of hibernation are well behind, and she is growing into a more confident person, with her close network of trusted friends. The wide world awaits her, and I am happy to be by her side and watch her as she readies herself to go out into it. All I can say to other parents who may be observing similar behavior in their adolescent daughter or son is to be patient, and to be present. I learned that it is very very important to pay attention, in case your presence and words and availability are not enough.
A member of the WAF team brought a lovely poem to my attention. This poem illustrates very well what many parents may experience when their children reach their teens. What I wrote above was part of my experience. On the whole, all parents will go through a period that is disconcerting and wonderful. This poem represents those sensations well:
Teenagers
by Pat Mora
One day they disappear
into their rooms.
Doors and lips shut
and we become strangers
in our own home.
I pace the hall, hear whispers,
a code I knew but can't remember,
mouthed by mouths I taught to speak.
Years later the door opens.
I see faces I once held,
open as sunflowers in my hands. I see
familiar skin now stretched on long bodies
that move past me
glowing almost like pearls.
"Teenagers" by Pat Mora, from Communion. © Arte Público Press, 1991.
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